Been awhile since I blogged again, so thought I'd attempt to get some things off my mind. Things have been busy the last couple of months. We moved to a new home, a house not an apartment. Stephen had a job transition, Skylar got into the Prep school and I've been driving myself crazy because that is what I do best.
Things get hectic sometimes, and the first thing I do, I raise my stress levels to a point I get aggravated, I get to a point where I feel out of control with every thing and then I start snapping at people who are supposed to mean the most of me. Why I am like this, I do not know, but I have gotten to a point in my life where I realize when I am doing it. Although I have not narrowed down the root cause of the problem, it is a step in the right direction that I recognize that I am in that mood before I say something I regret. Now I just need to learn what my triggers are and how to control them. It's not fair to others, but it's not fair to myself either, that I constantly beat myself up and make myself feel bad for things I cannot control.
It's funny how when we are feeling our worst we remember those around us who are the real friends and the true friends and how many fake ones there are around us. Those who want to be there just to be there for you are there without you even asking. The ones you think are you friend and you reach out to and they do respond are the ones you want to leave behind. Why people pretend they are there for you when they need help, but really never are exist, I'm not sure why, but they do. It's a matter of me learning to not trust so easily and open myself to so many. I need to guard myself and save myself for the real friends instead of helping and being there for so many other people all the time. Then I can devote my time and energy on those who are truly deserving.
My anger today came on so easily and I still am not completely sure what set it off, but it was mostly directed at one person. This person I feel is taking advantage of my kindness and understanding, it's almost as if he feels he deserves the things he gets. Yet this person does not say thank for the things done for him, offer to help with anything in return and it's really starting to get on m nerves. I want to shake him and make him hear why I am so angry with him. But instead I hold it in and make myself feel bad for the things I am thinking and how it should be more about giving only and less for receiving. Ugh, always on myself for everything! Why can't I change that about myself?
I am working on some goals in my life. Some of those things include my self confidence. I find I lack it a lot lately. I know part of it is my health and weight, and I am finally going to go to a doctor about that and see what exactly needs to be done to fix those things....if at all possible. I am working on learning to stop the negative self talk and seeing the bad in everything. There can't be bad in everything...right? There has to be some positives out there in at least half the things I grope and complain about. A friend mentioned me tonight about something called simple wins. Instead of tearing myself up for my emotional eating today, why not find a small win somewhere in the day, like I drank only water today and that's a good thing. I guess it's worth a shot, it cant' hurt me right? I'm also going to start writing a book, I want to be known for something in the world, make my mark and have someone say wow about me. So watch out world, maybe there is an amazing writer hidden in here somewhere and I'm going to let her out to the world!
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