The end of 2011

Another year has passed us by, another year is gone.  It’s that time of year to sit back and reflect on the things we did in 2011.  Did we accomplish the goals that we wanted to, if not why?  Did we be the best we can be, if not why?  So many things can happen in a year, but I myself don’t necessarily remember all of them.

I think I made some wise choices in 2011.  I did not meet all my goals for the year, but I did meet some of them.  I was not able to reach my goal weight in 2011, but I am still well on my way to meet it in 2012.  I did not pay off my car, but I am very close and will have it paid off in early months of 2012.  I did however learn to be healthier, when it comes to eating and taking care of my body.  I did pay off a credit card.  I got engaged to a man whom worships me.   I started planning a wedding and honeymoon.  I got a raise at work.  We moved into a house from an apartment.  All these things are goods to reflect on of 2011.

I do not want to reflect on the bad of this last year.  They say we deal with the bad and should move on.  I do not want to relive some moments for they are not something I can change or take back, but something to move on from and be stronger because of them.  I want to be a better and stronger person every year.  I want to grow and expand in ways that people tend not to think about.  It’s about focusing on me and what will make me the person I want to be.  2012 will bring new opportunities and happy days that I look forward to, and I know I will be stronger on those days than I was in this last year.

My hope for my friends and family is that they can look back on 2011 and say they accomplished something, no matter how small it was.  It’s always important to find the good through the bad times.  I have goals to set for 2012, or what some people call resolutions, but I prefer to call them goals because they are something I can do at any time and do not need to wait for the New Year to begin.  So to anyone that reads this, I wish you an amazing end of the year and many hopes for the new year ahead!

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die | Video on TED.com

The death of one of the most amazing men of my generation came as a shock to all of us on Wednesday October 5, 2011. Steve Jobs, the founder of NeXT, Pixar, and Apple finally could not fight his illnesses any longer. The man started apple with a friend in his home when he was only 20. That is innovation if you ask me. Like other technology leaders of this time, Bill Gates, Zuckerberg, etc, he will be remembered and it is sad to see a man of this genius leave us at the young age of 56.

                “‘If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.’ It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: ‘If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?’ And whenever the answer has been ‘No’for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.” – Steve Jobs

The quote above comes from his speech in 2005 at Stanford University (see link below).  It touches a lot of people, the words.  They should definitely be words we all live by.  We should learn to live each day to the fullest we can, with no regrets, so that if the day comes that it is our last day we can look back and smile.  This is what he did.  He had a vision, and he followed his vision into reality, creating Apple and Pixar, two in a handful of amazing successful companies out there that everyone knows.  The man will continue to flourish even after death.

The day Steve Jobs died, Apple.com had on their homepage these words:

Apple has lost a visionary and creative genius and the world has lost an amazing human being. Those of us who have been fortunate enough to know and work with Steve have lost a dear friend and an inspiring mentor. Steve leaves behind a company that only he could have build and his spirit will forever be the foundation of Apple.

These words also touch my heart, although I have never met the man.  I can honestly say that Steve Jobs is one of my role models.  I want to live life as he did, be innovative and creative while showing everyone new ideas can come to life if you keep working at it.  I want to be talented with things I enjoy and leave a mark on society that will be forever remembered.  I may never be rich, I may never be as famous as Jobs, but my goal is to be something.  I want to be something to my family and friends and leave something behind for them that make them remember who I was, and what I accomplished.  Mr. Jobs will remain a role model for me as I continue in my career in computers and technology and I will forever be thankful for the things he brought to our world.

Steve Jobs: How to live before you die | Video on TED.com

Overcoming hurdles

Been awhile since I blogged again, so thought I'd attempt to get some things off my mind.  Things have been busy the last couple of months.  We moved to a new home, a house not an apartment.  Stephen had a job transition, Skylar got into the Prep school and I've been driving myself crazy because that is what I do best.

Things get hectic sometimes, and the first thing I do, I raise my stress levels to a point I get aggravated, I get to a point where I feel out of control with every thing and then I start snapping at people who are supposed to mean the most of me.  Why I am like this, I do not know, but I have gotten to a point in my life where I realize when I am doing it.  Although I have not narrowed down the root cause of the problem, it is a step in the right direction that I recognize that I am in that mood before I say something I regret.  Now I just need to learn what my triggers are and how to control them.  It's not fair to others, but it's not fair to myself either, that I constantly beat myself up and make myself feel bad for things I cannot control.

It's funny how when we are feeling our worst we remember those around us who are the real friends and the true friends and how many fake ones there are around us.  Those who want to be there just to be there for you are there without you even asking.  The ones you think are you friend and you reach out to and they do respond are the ones you want to leave behind.  Why people pretend they are there for you when they need help, but really never are exist, I'm not sure why, but they do.  It's a matter of me learning to not trust so easily and open myself to so many.  I need to guard myself and save myself for the real friends instead of helping and being there for so many other people all the time.  Then I can devote my time and energy on those who are truly deserving.

My anger today came on so easily and I still am not completely sure what set it off, but it was mostly directed at one person.  This person I feel is taking advantage of my kindness and understanding, it's almost as if he feels he deserves the things he gets.  Yet this person does not say thank for the things done for him, offer to help with anything in return and it's really starting to get on m nerves.  I want to shake him and make him hear why I am so angry with him.  But instead I hold it in and make myself feel bad for the things I am thinking and how it should be more about giving only and less for receiving.  Ugh, always on myself for everything!  Why can't I change that about myself?

I am working on some goals in my life.  Some of those things include my self confidence.  I find I lack it a lot lately.  I know part of it is my health and weight, and I am finally going to go to a doctor about that and see what exactly needs to be done to fix those things....if at all possible.  I am working on learning to stop the negative self talk and seeing the bad in everything.  There can't be bad in everything...right?  There has to be some positives out there in at least half the things I grope and complain about.  A friend mentioned me tonight about something called simple wins.  Instead of tearing myself up for my emotional eating today, why not find a small win somewhere in the day, like I drank only water today and that's a good thing.  I guess it's worth a shot, it cant' hurt me right?  I'm also going to start writing a book, I want to be known for something in the world, make my mark and have someone say wow about me.  So watch out world, maybe there is an amazing writer hidden in here somewhere and I'm going to let her out to the world!

Life changes for now

I haven't blogged in awhile, I've been busy with life in general.   Life has had so many ups and downs lately.  It's crazy how things can change in an instant.  Today someone from the car club we have all known for a very long time and was close to many of us passed away.  He died this morning in a motorcycle accident, he leaves behind 3 little girls and his family.  RIP Jimmy Arroyo.  We never know when our time is up or what is going to happen in a day to change everything.

I have been engaged since St. Patrick's day. No we have not set a date yet.  It was not expected and came out of no where that he finally asked me.  He asked me in front of my sister, her husband, his step-sister Shawna and a good friend of ours Chris Zamora.  He got down on one knee and presented me with a very pretty ring that has a black diamond for a center stone surrounded by smaller white diamonds in the bands.   It's not big or extravagant, but it is definitely me! We will probably plan a wedding in June of 2012, if we survive the so called end of the world in May...hahahaha.

Another big change, the original plan was to take over his mother's house, while they move to Illinois, well after we gave our notice and were getting ready to move, they went into foreclosure.  The bank owns the house now and there is no way to save it so we were left with no where to live.  It became a bad rush to figure out where to go next because our lease is up June 17th.  I finally found a house that was not swept out from under us and applied for it.  We were accepted and will move in July 1st.  Only problem was we had to ask apartment if we can stay till then.  They are letting us, but at a much higher market rate, our rent in June will be over 200 more than what it usually is, this sucks big time.  It will be tight financially the next few months, what with deposits and higher rent and needing to buy a refrigerator for the house. It is a very pretty house though, it is four bedroom 2 bathroom and a 2 car garage.  it sits on a pretty lot with a fenced in back yard.  It will be nice to be in something bigger for a change.  I am looking forward to the change.  Only thing I will miss is our pool, but I plan on buying an above ground pool to have fun in.

I'm considering going back to school for my masters, but I really don't wan to pay for it.  Is it weird that I miss school?  I've only been out for 5  years, but it feels like forever.  It will take forever to pay off the student loans I already have, but a masters degree is so enticing. We will have to see what the future brings :)

Fearing the unfamiliar

What is fear?  The dictionary says "concern or anxiety; solicitude" among other things.  For me fear if that is what you may call it is in fact an anxiety.  I find that in new situations or in making decisions I develop anxiety or a fear of the outcome.  This has gone way back for me, to my adolescence even.  Don't get me wrong, I'm very spontaneous and I love new things and new places, I develop the anxiety to make a decision to get to those things or places that is the problem.  Once the decision is made, or I've gotten where I want to be, usually there is no anxiety and I'm excited and happy about the change.


So here I am writing about this because I want to help find why in fact I have this so-called "fear".   I write to find others whom can relate to me and my experiences.  I write to find answers and understandings, yet have something to reflect on later so I can go back and see how I have grown.  I think deep down inside, I fear outcomes of my decisions.  I fear they will not always be the desired outcome, whether I know what the desired outcome is or not.  Is that making any sense at all?


Ok, so lets take my anxiety I am having over going to the gym for example.  We all know I want to lose weight, I want to be healthy and change my outlook on the physical me.  Yet I constantly avoid the gym for stupid reasons like I don't want people to look at me, or what if I can't keep up with others in the gym.  I tend to focus on the things around me and the people around me instead of my goal for being there and that I'm the most important person in that gym.  I tend to forget why I set that goal in the first place because the idea of changing is scary and I don't know what the final result will be.  Sounds stupid, am I right?  Well that's how I get sometimes and I'm not sure how to overcome it.


I ponder how to overcome my many faults, this just being one of them.  I wonder if it is possible and when it will happen.  Fear is a crazy thing and it effects many people, so there has to be some kind of cure for it.  I hear exercise is great for anxiety and depression, yet I can't seem to get my butt off the couch and do it.  I guess that first step is the hardest and will always be the hardest.  Wish I could find more things to motivate me, besides wanting to help others all the time.  It would be great if I could learn to help myself!